When One Drink’s Too Many and A Thousand’s Never Enough

Spirituality and Recovery in Jim’s Substack

Jim’s Substack Spirituality and Recovery Podcast

1×

0:00

-3:28

When One Drink’s Too Many and A Thousand’s Never Enough

Then maybe it's time you and I had a talk

Jim Boylan

Sep 21, 2024

Transcript

Photo by Chris F: https://www.pexels.com/photo/assorted-wine-bottles-1283219/

I’m on my way home from work and call home and say “Baby, I’m stopping at the bar. I’m only going to have a couple then I’ll come home.”

This was the absolute truth as I saw it at the time. I really meant to have one or two and leave.

“Yeah, but…”

Here we go with the “Yeah, buts” again.

Always looking for the easy way in everything.

For an alcoholic, many times there is no easy way for anything. The best definition of an alcoholic for me was the one that said Once an alcoholic takes that first drink, he can’t guarantee his actions.

That is me. Once I took that first drink, all logic and reason took a poof pill and were long gone.

I could say that I was going to do something with all sincerity and then do something else. Calling home to say I was going to have one and then not making it home is a prime example of my drinking life.

I wasn’t lying in my mind when I said it but that was just what I ended up doing.

I’d have one drink, and go home, upon occasion.

Or go back for “just one more.” Then end up closing up the bar. All after saying “Only one drink.” Or go back and close the bar and go home. Or close the bar and go to a “blind pig.” And then go home with the rising sun.

What kind of deranged person would do this, anyway? An alcoholic, that’s who. It is the most natural thing for an alcoholic to do, in fact.

The most natural thing for a spooked deer to do is run. For a fish is to swim. For a bird is to fly. For an alcoholic is to drink.

When I was drinking, I could never stop drinking on my own for any length of time.

If someone had a 6 pack and offered me one, I would politely thank them and refuse. Because, even if I drank half or 3, I would not have had enough. There was never enough, in my eyes. And only have one? Forget it! Impossible!

I was usually on a drunk, coming down from a drunk, or planning the next one.

If any of this sounds familiar to you, I will not call you an alcoholic. That is up to you. I will tell you where I was, what I did, and where I am now. My experiences, strengths, and hopes. Then, you can choose about yourself.

A man who was formerly an alcoholic and is now sober and happy. He has a warm smile and a peaceful expression, standing confidently outdoors in a serene setting. His face shows signs of past struggles but now radiates contentment and strength. He is casually dressed in a simple shirt and jeans, with clear, bright eyes reflecting a sense of renewed purpose and inner peace. The background features soft sunlight and greenery, symbolizing hope and recovery.

Got His Life Back image by Author James Boylan and ChatGPT

And, if you decide that you are an alcoholic, there are ways to get your life back.

You are not in a hopeless situation like I believed that I was before I was introduced to AA by people I did all of the above with for years. The difference was that, at that time, they had been sober and happy, joyous, and free. I could believe and trust them.

Discussion about this podcast

Jim’s Substack Spirituality and Recovery Podcast

Episode #1

This is the first episode on Substack. The episodes will concentrate of the study of Spirituality and recovery from addictions, mainly alcohol. On September 20, 1976, I was introduced to AA and, in turn, AA introduced me to the study of Spirituality. I owe everything that I have today, including breathing in followed by out, to AA and the Spiritual practices it introduced me to. I encourage feedback because, after all, this is a WE program.

Hi. Welcome to Spirituality and Recovery. This episode #1 is called Spirituality and How It Has Affected My Recovery and, Thus, My Entire Life. My name is Jim Boylan and I will be your host.

When I came into the Program of AA, I had no religious or spiritual knowledge at all. My idea of God was that It was a being in human form sitting on a golden throne “up there somewhere, in heaven” judging and ordering punishment for transgressions, real or imagined, that I may or may not have committed.

Then, through any ministers that I heard, we were asked and pleaded with to contribute generously and often because of this or that need or desire, to make the church more beautiful or to help the “needy.”

For many years, we were the “needy,” just not knowing it and what we did know was that we couldn’t afford to up our monetary ante, even if we wanted to.

These were the same ministers who wanted us to believe that, in order for us to communicate with God, we had to pray AND go through them. So, when I came into the Program of AA, I seriously hesitated.

I quickly saw the references to God in the Big Book and the 12 Steps and recoiled. And, I let my apprehensions be known to the others.

I then heard from several of the members who I had known before they came into the program as hard drinking, hard fighting, hard everything just like me and were now telling me to relax.

They said that this was a spiritual program, not a religious program. I didn’t know the difference and didn’t believe that there even was one. Just word play again.

I didn’t know what this all meant but I also recalled hearing How it Works read before every meeting. In the 2nd paragraph, it said “If you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it, then welcome.”

I was at my bottom, not knowing that there was hope for me, let alone help. I wanted what they had. Knew that I was willing to do ANYTHING. To go to any lengths to get it. They also told me “Fake it till you make it.”

So I did. I faked believing that the Higher Power actually wanted to help me and was not going to judge me for my horrific past. I faked believing that He was actually going to forgive me for my past.

Very quickly, I noticed positive changes taking place in my life. I could go for longer periods of time without thinking of taking a drink. Many of the people around me, who I had considered a-holes, were turning pretty nice.

At least they were now tolerable. I started feeling better about myself. That I was not lower than snake poop. I had hope for maybe the first time in my life. It didn’t take long until I was no longer faking it.

I was getting regular demonstrations that a Higher Power of some kind was working with and through me. With each revelation like this, I only hungered for more so I looked into the Spiritual angle even deeper.

I absolutely loved what I saw and was feeling. My Higher Power, who I now choose to call God, was not “up there somewhere” judging and punishing me. He was in my heart, working through me and everyone I met.

I discovered that I didn’t have to like everyone, just as long as I loved them enough to see the Christ in them just like these former creatures that I was seeing at the AA meetings saw in me.

The others gave of themselves to me so that I could come up for air and see that I was not a worthless slug. Only one who just wanted hope. Today, I offer to give whatever I can so that others may see that there is hope.

Whodathunk that a word as short as HOPE would be so huge? You folks gave me hope and I want only that you can have it too, not only as deep-seated as it is for me but even more for you.

So, to answer the poser from the title, sobriety has given me a life that money can’t buy and a thief can’t steal. How did I get this sobriety? By surrendering to the spiritual portion of the AA Program.

By my working my program 24/7/365 to the best of my ability. By just doing the next right thing! How do I know if it is right? If I am doing the best that I can, if it feels right, it IS right! Simple as that! Don’t complicate it.

If you want what I have AND ARE WILLING TO GO TO ANY LENGTHS TO GET IT, THEN COD, Come On Down! If I could do this, you can and will too if you are willing to go to any lengths to get it. That is a promise!

Thank you, God!

Thank you for listening. I usually publish at least three times per week.

We are found on https://boylanj.substack.com/

Episode #1 This is the first episode on Substack. The episodes will concentrate of the study of Spirituality and recovery from addictions, mainly alcohol. On September 20, 1976, I was introduced to AA and, in turn, AA introduced me to the study of Spirituality. I owe everything that I have today, including breathing in followed by out, to AA and the Spiritual practices it introduced me to. I encourage feedback because, after all, this is a WE program. Hi. Welcome to Spirituality and Recovery. This episode #1 is called Spirituality and How It Has Affected My Recovery and, Thus, My Entire Life. My name is Jim Boylan and I will be your host. When I came into the Program of AA, I had no religious or spiritual knowledge at all. My idea of God was that It was a being in human form sitting on a golden throne “up there somewhere, in heaven” judging and ordering punishment for transgressions, real or imagined, that I may or may not have committed. Then, through any ministers that I heard, we were asked and pleaded with to contribute generously and often because of this or that need or desire, to make the church more beautiful or to help the “needy.” For many years, we were the “needy,” just not knowing it and what we did know was that we couldn’t afford to up our monetary ante, even if we wanted to. These were the same ministers who wanted us to believe that, in order for us to communicate with God, we had to pray AND go through them. So, when I came into the Program of AA, I seriously hesitated. I quickly saw the references to God in the Big Book and the 12 Steps and recoiled. And, I let my apprehensions be known to the others. I then heard from several of the members who I had known before they came into the program as hard drinking, hard fighting, hard everything just like me and were now telling me to relax. They said that this was a spiritual program, not a religious program. I didn’t know the difference and didn’t believe that there even was one. Just word play again. I didn’t know what this all meant but I also recalled hearing How it Works read before every meeting. In the 2nd paragraph, it said “If you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it, then welcome.” I was at my bottom, not knowing that there was hope for me, let alone help. I wanted what they had. Knew that I was willing to do ANYTHING. To go to any lengths to get it. They also told me “Fake it till you make it.” So I did. I faked believing that the Higher Power actually wanted to help me and was not going to judge me for my horrific past. I faked believing that He was actually going to forgive me for my past. Very quickly, I noticed positive changes taking place in my life. I could go for longer periods of time without thinking of taking a drink. Many of the people around me, who I had considered a-holes, were turning pretty nice. At least they were now tolerable. I started feeling better about myself. That I was not lower than snake poop. I had hope for maybe the first time in my life. It didn’t take long until I was no longer faking it. I was getting regular demonstrations that a Higher Power of some kind was working with and through me. With each revelation like this, I only hungered for more so I looked into the Spiritual angle even deeper. I absolutely loved what I saw and was feeling. My Higher Power, who I now choose to call God, was not “up there somewhere” judging and punishing me. He was in my heart, working through me and everyone I met. I discovered that I didn’t have to like everyone, just as long as I loved them enough to see the Christ in them just like these former creatures that I was seeing at the AA meetings saw in me. The others gave of themselves to me so that I could come up for air and see that I was not a worthless slug. Only one who just wanted hope. Today, I offer to give whatever I can so that others may see that there is hope. Whodathunk that a word as short as HOPE would be so huge? You folks gave me hope and I want only that you can have it too, not only as deep-seated as it is for me but even more for you. So, to answer the poser from the title, sobriety has given me a life that money can’t buy and a thief can’t steal. How did I get this sobriety? By surrendering to the spiritual portion of the AA Program. By my working my program 24/7/365 to the best of my ability. By just doing the next right thing! How do I know if it is right? If I am doing the best that I can, if it feels right, it IS right! Simple as that! Don’t complicate it. If you want what I have AND ARE WILLING TO GO TO ANY LENGTHS TO GET IT, THEN COD, Come On Down! If I could do this, you can and will too if you are willing to go to any lengths to get it. That is a promise! Thank you, God! Thank you for listening. I usually publish at least three times per week. We are found on https://boylanj.substack.com/

Listen on